I walk with my grandmother’s air, when I enter a room you will notice. For years I’ve tried to quiet it, make my presence less known, make myself invisible, merely a fly on the wall but I was not bred for such an existence
I have always looked up to my grandmother (both literally and figuratively). She always seems so confident about who she is and what she is doing. I know she is human and has her moments of despair, but she is like a superhero and it’s hard to take your eyes off of a superhero. She’ll tell you herself, “I don’t get caught up worrying about other people; I just work for the Lord.” She’s uninterested in who may be watching her, but because she is who she is, she’s always being watched; it’s not a good or bad thing, it’s just something that happens.
My mother often tells me, “you never think anyone is paying attention to you.” And I respond, “they don’t and that’s the way I like it.” This is not to be confused with thinking of myself as being unworthy to be looked upon, but I like being in the background and blending in with my surroundings. I don’t want to be the center of attention. Although I did well in school, I was never the kid to volunteer to go up to the board or raise my hand to answer a question (even if I knew the right answer); that would be too many eyes on me which I brought upon myself. Even as an adult, this is still an area of my life that needs improvement.
My theory has always been: if no one notices you, no one notices you messing up, but if you do well, they’ll be surprised by the girl they didn’t notice before. It’s all about expectations. I can’t let you down if you weren’t expecting anything anyway. This logic works well until I want to be noticed or rather I want to do something but don’t want all the attention (good or bad) that may come along with it. I joke with myself that I have this split personality. There is the girl who wants to fade away in the background but then there is the girl who wants to do all these things which require people to notice (I’ll talk about those things in a different post). I struggle with both parts and two questions steadily ring in my ear: ‘you can, but do you really want to? What difference would it really make?’
Superheroes are focused on their mission. Even if there were no accolades or people were unhappy about the outcome, they would still complete their mission because it is what they were created to do. Jesus is the greatest superhero of all time to me. He was sent to earth on a mission and even when times got rough, he did not let that deter him. If he focused on people watching Him, and decided it was too uncomfortable or too much pressure, there would be no hope for us. Pushing pass the pain, pass the betrayal, pass the people, pass death itself, His actions saved a whole world. So often, we think our inaction does not hurt anyone. Who cares, if we don’t share our testimony? What does it matter if we don’t use our gift (poetry, speaking, evangelizing, playing a sport, teaching, etc.)? Will saying ‘hello, how are you doing’ really make a difference? If we never do it, we will never know how many people we can impact.
A former college professor told me, “you have such a warm personality. I can feel it when you walk in the room.” This was odd to me because there were about 60 people in this class (I sat all the way in the back) and he probably had around 300 students he was teaching that semester, but somehow he noticed me. More people notice you than you think whether you are trying to be invisible or not. You were created with a mission in mind; make sure they see you living out your mission, not trying to hide it. Be a superhero, that’s what I want to be.
Ephesians 2:10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in