Better days ahead (July 2015)

Better days ahead (July 2015)

When bad things happen, there is a deafening silence that leaves me wanting to crawl out of my skin.

Leaves me having to remind myself to breathe.

I’ve only known this world with my father living in it, how could it possibly go on without him?

I can’t understand how the sun and moon could continue trading places, marking days and nights, marking time.

For almost a year I walked a fine line between reality and fantasy, trying to figure out how I could exist in this world and him not be here.

Trying to figure out how I could keep living when my heart’s in the grave.

It’s not about wanting to die, but it’s about living being hard.

It’s about waking up to an emptiness inside of your chest.

It’s about not knowing when better days will come.

It’s about believing in God, but feeling so far away from Him.

It’s about trusting God even when you don’t feel like it.

It’s about smiling when you can.

It’s about waking up and taking it day by day.

I don’t want to talk about it, no, not right now.

Today I’ll cry, perhaps tomorrow I won’t.

I can’t just snap out of it and enjoy myself.

My life has become a balancing act.

And right now, I’m just trying to keep everything from crashing down.

I am fragile like glass, be careful not to drop me.

Let me be where I am, with you holding me up.

I don’t need to be made to feel better.

I need to be listened to.

I need to be silent.

I need to be alone.

I need to be surrounded with love.

I need to do nothing and everything at the same time.

I just need to do life, as proof that I can without him here.

My father has been gone from this earth 1 year, 9 months, and 10 days. This is the first time I’ve shared my grief in this form since his funeral. My church family has experienced so much loss over the past few weeks, which has called up my own feelings of loss. This is for them (and anyone who has went through loss). You are not alone in your grief. You are not crazy, no matter how many days you feel like it, you are not. This is really, really difficult to get through, and you will, I promise you will. God loves you and even while you are going through this, He is still good (repeat that to yourself every day, “God, You’re still good”). This is for those who love them even through the bad days, when there are no words to say, and there is nothing you can do to take the pain away. Your presence, your concern is enough. Thank you. This is for those who continue to love me through my pain. I appreciate you.