Some wounds heal differently than others, the fibers take on a different pattern, making for different scars. And you learn to wear them as a badge of honor. What was once ugly, you now see as beautiful. The source of your pain, a distant memory. Every once in awhile you will run your fingers along the existence of one and be content with its presence. And every once in awhile you will run your fingers along the existence of another and forget to call it a badge of honor, you will forget its beauty, you will remember it in all its suffering. And the peace you made with it, will be a distant memory. This is to be expected because after all, some wounds heal differently than others.
I was watching Queen Sugar the other night (if you haven’t gotten pass the first season and don’t want me to ruin it for you, stop reading), and I want so badly for Darla and Ralph Angel to get back together. Even though they have had some really bad times, there have been good times, and I just want them to work out. But in watching them move as a couple and as individuals, I realize some wounds can’t just be patched up the way we want them to.
I thought about my dad and how even though most days are good days, this wound has not healed how I wanted it to. I can’t just bounce back because time has passed by. Our time here on earth together came to a sobering end, and it was followed by many dark days but thankfully some days the light drove out the darkness. The experience of it all has been engrafted to my being, just like the cells of new skin becomes intertwined with that of the old. And it is a part of me that makes me beautiful and I’m learning to see it as such.
My dad saw me just like Darla and Ralph Angel see Blue; the best part of him, the only thing he’s done good (well maybe not the only thing he’s done good, but certainly the best). Healing for me may be long stretches of tear free days coupled with moments of deep sadness bordering depression. But I’m more sure now than I was some years ago that I’m healing. And if this wound healing leaves me with a forever hole in my heart, I’m willing to see it as the most beautiful part of me.
2 Corinthians 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.