About four years ago I found myself unsure of where my life was headed. I was unhappy with my job, unhappy with my love life, struggling with grief, and just really unhappy. I didn’t know what else to do but seek God. My seeking God was out of pure desperation. Not much faith was involved, mostly complaining about the unknown. Eventually God gave me direction and I was happy again but my trust in God was so shaky. Some days I knew He was working for me, other days I questioned it. Some days His timing felt perfect, other days He was moving too slow. But because He is faithful, He fulfilled His promise to me.

Today I find myself in that similar place I was four years ago: unsure. But this time I’m not unhappy. I’m not desperate. I’m not faithless. I was telling my friend about it and her response was, “oh so you’re at a pregnant pause.” That was the perfect term. A pregnant pause. If I look at my life day to day it appears as though nothing is happening, but when I look back at the months and maybe even the years, I’ll see the growth. Something significant is on the way and I have no idea where it will take me, but I’ll trust God will get me there.

I don’t hate my job, I just think it may be time for a change. Maybe a different area or age group or career altogether. I’m open to a relationship, but not desperate for one. I miss my father incredibly, but I can think of fond memories and smile. I set out this year wanting to pursue spoken word seriously but I’m okay if my stage is my living room. This space and this moment seems so contrary to what I believe is my natural self (always pursing something, figuring out my next move, etc.) but I just trust God. My last experience showed me that God always shows up for me. Always. My worrying doesn’t make Him move any faster. It doesn’t make waiting more comfortable. It only lets doubt sit where faith should stand.

This pregnant pause is necessary, and I’ll enjoy all the good things while I wait for more good things.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

February 2019