The other day I asked myself if I was responding to a situation from a place of confidence or insecurity. In that moment, I realized it was the former but I also realized that sometimes it’s the latter. The word insecurity has always felt like a bad word to me. Something I know exist but I feel like it shouldn’t. So much so, sometimes I dress it up as something else. Pride, ignorance, uninterested, and the list goes on. To embrace, “not knowing” and “uncertainty” is a scary feeling, but it’s necessary.
It’s not about being wrong as much as it’s about being wrong about something I “should” already know. That carries with it a level of shame and embarrassment that I really don’t like feeling. But sometimes people know more than us. Sometimes our ideas are not the best ideas. Those truths do not make what we bring to any table with sit at, any less valuable. I am learning to be open to being challenged without feeling like I am being threatened or that I’m inferior or deficient.
For me, sometimes it goes beyond what I “should” already know; sometimes my insecurities are rooted in being unsure of how others may respond to what I know or what I believe or who I am. I can recall a time when my friends told me a group of people didn’t like me. My friends were joking but because I strived to be liked by everyone and couldn’t bear the thought of someone not liking me, I pressed them for more details. In the pouring rain, I refused to let them inside my car until they told me who these people were and what exactly they said. I shudder with embarrassment thinking about how I responded that day. However, I am pleased to say that if I were faced with that same situation today, I would be okay with finding out someone didn’t like me. I understand now that I may not be everyone’s cup of tea and that doesn’t make me a failure or unlikeable, it makes me who I am and I like her, which is what’s most important.
I have made great gains in this area of my life but there is still a lot of work to do. Too often, I’ve allowed my insecurities to speak for me. I respond to what I’ve heard, instead of what was said. And don’t get me wrong; sometimes people say things and there is more to it than what was said but we should ask about “the more,” instead of assuming what “the more” is. Our insecurities force us to look at ourselves in the mirror and acknowledge the not so pretty parts that we thought we were hiding well. Why are we triggered by the things we’re triggered by? What does my response say about me? What am I afraid will happen if I consider another’s perspective?
As comfortable and familiar as our insecurities can feel, they are not very good security blankets. I work really hard to allow my confidence to rest in God and not my insecurities. I am intentional about questioning my doubts instead of accepting them as truths. I am surprised that after all this time, I still struggle with this but I’m convinced practice makes perfect. So I’ve given myself permission to fall and trust God to help me get back up and I can say that I’ve created a lot more distance between falls.
Jeremiah 17:7 But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. (NLT)