Sundays With Rae

a blog for women by a woman who is trying to get her life together while still loving Jesus

To the Perfectionist

So I have a confession… I’m an undercover perfectionist. But only when it comes to certain things. I was okay not making straight A’s in school. It was fine if I missed most of my shots when I played basketball. I’ve never been phased by deadlines. For most things in my life, I’m more than okay with doing the bare minimum (y’all pray for me because I need to work on this). But when it comes to how I interact with new people, and some other things I’m too embarrassed to mention, it has to be perfect all the time. I constantly replay conversations in my mind and wonder why I didn’t say something different, why didn’t I say more or less, why didn’t I use a different tone. I’m so quick to point out my flaws and conclude that it’s why I’m single or why I haven’t achieved certain goals. I decide it makes me unlovable and hard to deal with. I believe the lie for a moment then snap myself back into reality. I tell myself I said what I needed to say and if they didn’t like it, life will go on. It hasn’t always been this simple for me.

I used to tell myself I didn’t care but I knew I did. I would attempt to convince myself that what I was saying wasn’t important enough to remember so hopefully they would forget the whole conversation happened. I would avoid interactions so I wouldn’t have to face my insecurities. But when I decided to live life on purpose a couple of years ago and truly embrace who I am, flaws and all, I had to be okay with not getting it right all the time and even worse, other people noticing I didn’t get it right. It’s part of being human and living a life with feeling. God didn’t create us to be in a constant state of worry. Worrying if we said the right thing, worrying if we performed well, worrying if people will like us, worrying if we’ll get it all done, worrying if we’re good enough, worrying if we’re going to be the best. We strive towards perfection, we don’t worry about it.

You’re making mistakes and correcting them. You’re falling and getting up. You’re hurting those you love and asking for forgiveness and never doing that (whatever that was) again. You’re failing and trying again. You didn’t get it all done yesterday and you’re thanking God that you have the chance to today. You’re being human while at the same time making every effort to be who God called you to be and every day becoming a little more like Jesus.

Isaiah 64:8 But now, O Lord, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand.

October 2019

Pregnant Pause

About four years ago I found myself unsure of where my life was headed. I was unhappy with my job, unhappy with my love life, struggling with grief, and just really unhappy. I didn’t know what else to do but seek God. My seeking God was out of pure desperation. Not much faith was involved, mostly complaining about the unknown. Eventually God gave me direction and I was happy again but my trust in God was so shaky. Some days I knew He was working for me, other days I questioned it. Some days His timing felt perfect, other days He was moving too slow. But because He is faithful, He fulfilled His promise to me.

Today I find myself in that similar place I was four years ago: unsure. But this time I’m not unhappy. I’m not desperate. I’m not faithless. I was telling my friend about it and her response was, “oh so you’re at a pregnant pause.” That was the perfect term. A pregnant pause. If I look at my life day to day it appears as though nothing is happening, but when I look back at the months and maybe even the years, I’ll see the growth. Something significant is on the way and I have no idea where it will take me, but I’ll trust God will get me there.

I don’t hate my job, I just think it may be time for a change. Maybe a different area or age group or career altogether. I’m open to a relationship, but not desperate for one. I miss my father incredibly, but I can think of fond memories and smile. I set out this year wanting to pursue spoken word seriously but I’m okay if my stage is my living room. This space and this moment seems so contrary to what I believe is my natural self (always pursing something, figuring out my next move, etc.) but I just trust God. My last experience showed me that God always shows up for me. Always. My worrying doesn’t make Him move any faster. It doesn’t make waiting more comfortable. It only lets doubt sit where faith should stand.

This pregnant pause is necessary, and I’ll enjoy all the good things while I wait for more good things.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

February 2019